Big Brother

Big Brother was alive.

He materialized, but in an unexpected form… my husband.

I ate lots of ice cream last summer. Heck, my after-school job was next door to Cold Stone Creamery, a couple of buildings down from The Lite Choice, and across the street from Haagen Dazs. There was no getting around a daily cup of frozen dairy loaded with sugar.

One day, I got a phone call from Ben as I enjoyed some mint chocolate chip ice cream.

“Hi!”

“Hi!” I replied.

“How is work?”

“Good,” I said.

“How was Haagen Dazs?”

Wait! Whaaaat?!?! How did he know that I got ice cream? We hadn’t spoken since the morning. I scanned the sidewalks. Didn’t see him. I checked the windows of the buildings. Couldn’t find him.

“Oh, and how was lunch at Chipotle?”

Before I could respond, he continued with… “And, babe, please. No more shopping. The Gap, again? Don’t you have everything you need?"

My head spun as I tried to figure out how he knew where I had been that day. How was he tracking me? He had practically mapped out my path through the city.

“How do you know all of this?” I sputtered, incredulous of his all-knowing power.

“Well, there’s this really cool website called www.mint.com that sends updates to my phone every time we use the credit card. And, babe, you have used it quite a few places already. Let’s try to slow down on the spending… And, do you really need to eat ice cream every day?”

I was shocked. Absolutely shocked. I immediately thought, “I won’t be able to get away with anything!”

I was going to have to be craftier. I just didn’t know how…

FAST FORWARD 4 MONTHS…

I got it! I figured out a way to buy what I want without Ben tracking me. It took several months for the idea to come to fruition, but it arrived. My checks are deposited automatically for one job, but my other job requires me to pick up my checks at work. Meaning… I can skim as much off the top as I want before depositing it. Ben would never know how much I could take! Oh, the deviousness!

But, for some reason, my idea seemed so evil and devious, that I just didn’t know if I had the heart to do it. Ben is so sweet and nice. But, oh, I could feel my wallet getting fatter by the second!

I didn’t know the right thing to do, so I told Ben of my idea because I don’t like to hide things from him. He was, naturally, opposed and then became increasingly stressed about not knowing the amount of money spent on ice cream and burritos. I told him this was leverage for me. He begged me to always deposit the whole check, and if I did, he would no longer control the number of cups of ice cream I would eat. Ever. Again.

“Deal,” I said.

And, we (minus one – Big Brother) have lived happily ever after.